hushpiper

I've been writing a lot this week. Like, a LOT a lot! I've written 6 pages for my Terra/Cinderella fanfic at a coffee shop with a friend. I've written multiple post/essays on Obsidian. And I've written many pages in my journal. And somehow, because none of these have been seen by other people's eyes (as of now), it doesn't feel like I've been writing at all.

When has writing become something that only exists through other people's eyes? Who's the asshole who said something along the lines of "art doesn't exist if nobody sees it"? I'd like to have a word with them... with my fists to their face most likely. Don't care if they're dead already. I'll spit on their grave.

Because it truly is such a devastating thing to hear, and even more so to internalize it to the point that anything you do has no value at all until seen by others.

This week, just to have something familiar to listen to in the background, I looked up videos on overconsumption in hobbies (I already have my own opinion on the subject, it just tickles my brain right when other people agree with me on that, like it most likely does for a lot of people). As I was looking at my long form video options, scrolling past the few shorts left me... unsettled to say the least. "Manly hobbies to have", "Hobbies to appear elegant", "Hobbies to look cute", "Hobbies to increase your skills at work", etc. I gave up on the search for the videos I was interested in, disgusted and seething. How? When? What?!!-- When has hobbies become something for others to see? A performance for other people's benefits??? The hobbies to appear elegant? Exactly what you would expect a regency lady to know in order to snatch a rich man: play a classical instrument, ride a horse, paint, play chess (and it goes beyond saying that you also need to be at a certain level of income in order to even practice said hobbies). I didn't even look at the hobbies for work skills (it's called taking a class for work) or the manly hobbies. Just seeing the titles was enough for me to imagine what kind of "hobbies" these were supposed to be.

It's one thing that people's hobbies are displayed for the world to see, sharing increasingly expensive collections that they'll likely never see the end of it in their lifetimes. I watch them to remind myself not to get swayed by the new shiny things in my own hobbies (and I do get swayed, goddamn I do). But to display hobbies that are not only for video consumption but to get a rich man? Or to get a girly girl? Or to get a better job? In other words, to appear attractive to other people and prove you are worthy of their time and money?! Pardon my french mais quelle connerie!

How are we supposed to exist as people when all that is on our mind is how we are perceived by others? I've grown up with parents constantly toeing the line between "what will other people think?" and "I do what I want!", and I can see how fucked up it made them (and me, by extension, prior to addressing it in therapy and simply cutting ties with them). And it's always "what will other people think?" when it's something you do for absolute joy in your life: drawing with chalk on the sidewalk well past adulthood without a kid in sight, living in an apartment with roomates, dressing up in clothes that are unfashionable but loved, finding love of with someone who happens to be the same sex as you. But when it's "I do what I want", it's: yelling at someone who got in the way for half a second, taking up all the space on the bus going home, stomping all over the place without a care for the person living in the unit under you, listening to music at unbearable levels late at night to really early in the morning. Why is "what will other people think?" harmless to others, but "I do what I want" absolutely harming others to the benefit of one person? I have never and will never understand that.

When I write (or draw) things nobody else will ever see (or might, but is not something I think about in the moment), I am not hurting anybody. Bonus, it's really pleasing to me to do the actual writing, to feel the clickity-clack of the keyboard under my fingers or to hear the scratching of my pen on paper as words appear, shaping my thoughts into reality. But I am supposed to think none of them exists unless others have seen it?? Absolutely not!

So let this be a reminder (a prayer for myself, and for you if you need it) that whatever you do exists whether it is seen by others or not. And that what is unseen most likely has better value for yourself than what is out there in the open. Remind yourself that creation is an act of love, and love should never be for profit (social or monetary). Remind yourself that creation for a sense of identity *is* social profit. Do your hobbies, whatever they may be, because the sole benefit they bring is benefits to you: joy, peace, health, hope. Remind yourself that, unlike some people made you believe, you are not selfish for keeping your art to yourself. And that, if ever you do share it, it's because it's part of the process of said piece, because it brings you joy to do so, a sense of completion.

Let leisure be leisure.